Thank you, Eyjafjallajökull for half-naked January running.

I ran in a rolled-up long sleeve T and shorts this morning. I donned a cutoff and shorts for my double in the afternoon. It was almost 60 degrees. It's January. I'm doing my PhD in Statistics at Ohio State, and I took a course in spatial statistics in Spring 2010. The professor of the class, Noel Cressie, is basically the pioneer of his field and is world-reknowned in the stats universe. He's....a strong personality. I tend to be attracted to such people, but they are just as easily hated as they are loved. I can see both sides.


 He likes to talk, and when  Eyjafjallajökull erupted and spread volcanic ash all over the  hemisphere, he boldly made the prediction that, not the following winter, but the winter after that would be particularly mild. The man works extensively in climate modeling, but I duly noted this prediction in my mind and made a point not to forget to either validate or disprove his prediction. Well, here we are: Winter of 2012. Looks like ol' Cressie was right. I can't hate; running half-naked is much preferred to multi-layered running.

I know, I know. I shared a donut with you on Sunday night and then told you that the recipe would follow on Monday. Then I consumed one of these donuts the day after they were made. Sucktown, USA. They don't keep well, and I wasn't thrilled with the texture of the flour combination either. I will adapt them and share with you a recipe that will keep your socks holding on with a white-knuckle grip. You'll have to wait for donuts, but to tide you over, I'm going to share with you my first attempt at a homemade veggie burger. It did not disappoint, to say the least.
Again, for the beginner veggie eaters who might be reading this: a veggie burger is not meant to replace your quarter pounder with cheese. Burger does not necessarily mean beef, as milk does not necessarily mean dairy. The stupid food pyramid makes me want to cuss like a sailor. (Deep breath.) It's hard to believe I waited this long to try to make one myself, but between Luna burgers and Northstar Cafe, I'm so close to some of the best veg patties that the thought of doing the dirty work myself was never, well...my first thought. 
I was inspired by Angela's veggie burger criteria in this post. Soggy veggie burgers suck, but anything falling apart between plate and mouth is even worse. I'm not a tofu hater in the least, but I already eat enough of it, and over-consumption of soy is something of which I may be a teeny weary. And who doesn't like mouthfeel and flavor?

Naked black bean burger

There she is, sunbathing on a swiss chard towel. Brothas Burgers be lined up at her locker. (Can you name the movie?) Crispy on the outside, but she still held her shape even after the first bite. Hal and Al's is one of my absolute favorite places in Columbus; it's a bar with an entire menu of vegan pub food-and a massive beer list to boot. I ate the veggie burger like a gluten free-friendly version of their burrito. I threw some spaghetti squash on there with some paprika and some vegan sour creme cheez sauce. 

Black bean burger all dressed up for church

The chard did a wicked good job of standing in for a tortilla; it was sturdy enough that it didn't tear and was much more pliable than a corn tortilla. It's earthy flavor complimented the burger really well. 

Don't mind the onion nib that made its way into that bottom left corner.


Black Bean Veggie Burgers 
Inspired by Oh She Glows
Ingredients


1/4 cup green onion, diced (only the white part)
1 tsp minced garlic
2 tbsp pumpkin puree
1 Flax egg: 2 tbsp ground flax + 3 tbsp warm water, mixed in bowl
1/4 cup GF oat flour
3/4 cooked brown rice
1/2 cup grated parsnips
1/2 cup cooked black beans, rinsed and roughly pureed or mashed
Heaping 1/4 cup finely chopped cilantro
1/3 cup flaxseeds
1 tbsp. coconut oil
1/2 tbsp Tamari (soy sauce)
3/4 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp. cumin
1/2 tsp. dried basil
sea salt and black pepper, to taste
1/4 cup vegan sour creme (recipe here)
2 tbsp nutritional yeast
1/2 tsp white miso
1/4 tsp cumin
1/8 tsp paprika


yields 4 burgers


Mix your flax egg together in a small bowl and set aside for at least 10 minutes. In a large skillet, sauté onions and garlic in 1/2 tbsp coconut oil until the onions are slightly tender and opaque (about 2-3 minutes). Mix all ingredients in a bowl until combined. Alternatively, you could put all the ingredients in a food processor and pulse until combined. Be careful not to over-process. Stir in the garlic and onions. Lightly coat hands in a bit of water so that it prevents the dough from sticking and shape the burgers tightly into patties. 


Heat the remaining 1/2 tbsp of coconut oil in a skillet on medium heat. Cook the patties 3-4 minutes on each side, or until heated through and crisp. For the cheez sauce, mix the sour creme, nutritional yeast, miso, cumin, and paprika. Add black pepper to taste.  To serve, fill chard leaf with burger; top with roasted spaghetti squash and cheez.

Monday Pick Me Up: Bug Bites?

Last night, my husband was enjoying my previously favorite chocolate, Ghiradelli. I was disheartened when I flipped over the wrapper to see it contained milk. Sad face. I looked into it a bit more, and all the varieties of Ghiradelli contain milk. Sad face with a tear. I love those little squares!

Luckily, I found a new favorite vegan chocolate square! Bug bites! I'll admit, it is a bit weird to open the wrapper and find a picture and description of an endangered bug. But the dark chocolate is delightful and an educational opportunity never hurt anyone.

I am glad I only bought two squares and not the Bug Bites volcano box shown below!

Sunday Supper. Or dessert.

The midwest has missed the sun. Every morning should look like this:

Woke up this morning for a Highbanks rendezvous with Iceman and...shit. Need an avatar...quick, quick. Iceman and Nasa. Gorgeous skies. First time I think we've seen the sun this week. It's almost a little pathetic how excited it makes me. Just ran 10 or so easy miles after the long one yesterday. Saw Tuna a handful of times, and every time I thought about Liz sweating her ass off on the elliptical, out-working everyone around her tenfold. Or occasionally I'd think about her aquajogging in the pool and I got a little nauseous. The pool sucks. Even though she's going far more bonkers than I am, her presence helps eliminate some of my crazy, especially when there is a stiff workout involved. Ok, enough. If anyone has a spare foot, let me know and we'll do a little hack, saw, and sew.

Made a couple of little golden nuggets today. I was pretty pleased with myself, since if I had misbehaved last night, this would not have happened, nor would my 9am visit to Highbanks. Girl Tights had to run alone today because he had all the fun to himself last night. I'll have to wait for the juicy gossip until tomorrow night. 

Before I tell you about the nugs, I need to ask a serious question: why are people so turned off by food of the color green? Unless it's iceberg lettuce, which is hardly green, people automatically deem foods that are green as healthy, and therefore un-tasty. I understand: people first eat with their eyes. I get it. But you like that green sweater, so why not the green juice? And for Krice sake, just TRY it. The worst that could happen? Oh shit! You don't like it! OH NO! SOUND THE ALARMS! For a mere 10 seconds, you had something in your mouth that didn't bring the same warm, fuzzy sensation as a chocolate chip cookie! For real, people. Culinary closed-mindedness just straight up pisses me off. Closed-mindedness in general, actually. Ok, rant over. I happen to like the color green, including on food. Chlorophyll is not boro-phyll. Enter stage left: raw garlic green onion corn kale chips.

Now, let me 'splain something. These are not to take the place of your Nacho Cheese Doritos. If you think you're gonna pop one of these in your mouth and think Holy shit, Tostitos!! then you're be sorely disappointed. I had a boyfriend once who had listened to me rave about Northstar Cafe's veggie burger enough times to agree to go and try it. I cannot describe the uproar that followed the first bite of the beet and brown rice-based patty of awesomeness because it tasted nothing like The Thurmanator. It's made of beets, for Krice sake. It is not supposed to replace your 6 lbs. of beef-and-cheese death sweats on a bun. 

These puppies do have a not-too-over-the-top garlic and onion flavor, but the corn and kale combo is seriously something to write home about. The earthy, nutty flavor would pair perfectly with a hummus or fresh guacamole. I will be experimenting with flavors, and nutritional yeast would put a nice, cheesy spin on things. I had a not-as-pretty dinner of a spaghetti squash noodle bowl with tofu, peas, carrots, and sesame seeds drowned in peanut sauce, but the dessert was pretty enough for both courses:

Who doesn't like a donut? Do you spell it "doughnut" or "donut?" I like the latter. There's this place in my (tiny) hometown that makes an insane donut. I'm not sure I've had a better donut, though for the last few years I haven't exactly been on a manhunt since I don't do gluten. Donald's is this little old-school joint that still sells milk in cartons and doesn't stay open after lunch. After all, donuts are a breakfast food. However, I won't tell you how I know that after closing, they take all their unsold donuts and throw them in the 45lb empty dough bags and leave them outside...for anyone to take.

Donald's isn't gluten-free, and it certainly isn't vegan. I'm not sure my hometown has actually seen a vegan. But those pretty little coconut crumb donuts are both gluten-free and vegan, and also refined sugar-free. They're actually almost entirely sugar-free, made with powdered palm sugar. Palm sugar is also known as coconut sugar or coco sap sugar. Usual white sugar and brown sugar have glycemic indices of about 100; agave syrup and honey clock in at an index of around 70. Coconut sugar yields an index of 35. Insane. It's also chock full of potassium, magnesium, zinc and iron, as well as vitamin B1, B2, B3, and B6. This, my friends is a wonder food. More about coconut sugar and the recipe tomorrow. For now, I'll just leave you with some food porn:

Fess up Fridays: Guilty Pleasures Part Two

Fridays. I love Fridays. I had some time free up today in my busy schedule full of appointments and meetings. Most of which are geared towards improving my foot pain. No surprise there. Well, the unexpected free time meant more time at the gym.

Earlier this week, I learned that sports bra (only) is permitted on cardio equipment. A very minor detail that has improved my attitude towards cross training. And it creates a summer fake-out under the fluorescent lighting.

Today, as I pedaled furiously on the bike, sweat flying off in every direction, cursing myself for not packing a larger water bottle, the most perfect workout song came up on my playlist. LMFAO "Sexy and I Know It."

How does this song not make someone smile? Or work harder? Does it get any better?  Only if you're scantily clad in a sports bra and shorts in the middle of winter.

I was relatively certain that I was already viewed as the crazy cardio lady at my very conservative gym. Grooving, lip-syncing and continuing to propel the elliptical at 200+ rpm surely doesn't help clear that image.

Fess-up Friday: Guilty Pleasures

When I hear "guilty pleasure," my mind immediately goes to food. Surprise. Now that I'm thinking about it, you could say a lot of things, and my mind would go straight for the same target. I think about food a lot. I suppose you could call that a guilty pleasure in itself since I'm supposed to be thinking about covariance estimation and other thinky, statistics sorts of things.

My digestive system, however, does not allow me to indulge in foodie guilty pleasures as most people would see them. I eat lots of dessert-ish things, but most of them are quite healthy, no matter how good I find them to taste. I could go on and on about my musical guilty pleasures. I listen to a lot of shit. (See this post. I took a quick brain-scan of the past week to search for other behaviours that might make a good candidate GPoW (guilty pleasure of the week.) Found one:

I say, with a little apprehension, that I'm not your typical girly-girl. I'm very independent, usually pretty liberal in my social viewpoint, and, I'd like to think, modern. Now, I'm going to preface the following with a disclaimer: don't take me too seriously. I don't. It's essential for sanity-maybe even survival. So don't be pissed off at any of the following. And please don't pin me as the crazy far-left-field feminist who gets pissed off at the idea off at the idea of the woman taking the man's last name. I'm not one of those either. However, I do pride myself on being capable of being happy without having to drape myself on a dude's arm. I'm definitely not a serial dater. I live in a liberal neighborhood in Columbus with tons of restaurants, shops, and boutiques, including a little high-end bridal boutique, Big Rock Little Rooster. I run by this place at least twice a week, and every time, I find myself slowing so that I allow myself to gawk at the gorgeous dresses in the window. I mean gawk, mouth open, dazed look in the eyes, and almost non-responsive to outside stimuli.

No, I'm not engaged. I'm not even in a serious relationship. Hell, I don't even have a boyfriend. But I can't stop my eyes from clinging to the dream-like displays in that damn window every time I run, or walk, by. I'll admit it; I've thought about fabricating an identity so that I could make an appointment and go try some on. But only for a half second. I'm not that bad. No, I do not have a Pinterest board for wedding ideas. But it's not just Big Rock Little Rooster. Girl Tights and I were leaving CRC Westerville after this week's Monday Night Run and stumbled upon this place, just a few doors down. I had to stop and press my nose up against the window despite bolting out of the store out of extreme hunger.

Wicked Wednesday

Robin Hood, robbing from the rich to give to the poor. The Boondock Saints. Batman. Walker, Texas Ranger. Kicking ass and taking names-but only of the assholes of the hour.

I've long had a fantasy of getting in a movie reel-worthy bar brawl. And no, nothing like what would happen if you cut in line for the ladies room at Brothers or any other turd-magnet establishment. I'm talking some Ed Hardy gelled-up meathead is disrespecting his small, pretty, quiet date and somebody's gotta do somethin' bout it. With their fist. I want that to be me.

Not the ideal story to set up for a superhero alter ego, I get it. It puts one at risk for sounding something like Whitetrash Woman rather than Wonder Woman. Or a Housewife of New Jersey. Regardless, each week on Wicked Wednesday, I'll take some time to highlight the Villain of the Week: those who need the ass-kicking that can only be dealt by a badass do-gooder.

This week: driver turning right at stop signs who rolls right on through, only looking left and not right.

I'll tell you why I hate this guy: because just as he's pulling right, I'm trying to run by, and he never sees me coming. I'm usually running at the butt crack of dawn, so I'm dragging-ass-tired, or I'm recovering from some insano workout prescribed by Coach, so I'm dragging-ass-tired. Then, I must break the rhythm that I had likely worked so hard to establish, and then find myself in the world of lead legs again. This usually results in me screaming something like "are you REALLY NOT LOOKING AT ME?!?!" in a gradual crescendo so that he might perhaps hear the last couple words and poop his/her pants in fright. Sometimes, fear is not evoked because they're not only driving but also entertaining multiple other stimuli at the same time, so I end up getting something more like this:

Or alternatively, if I'm particularly razzed (because I'm extra tired, or hungry, or both), I'll smack the side of their vehicle as hard as I can and hope that he/she fears they've run over something. There are certain neighborhoods where I do not utilize this form of notification of their crap driving.

Okay, now that the villain has been established, we need to talk superhero. Superheroes, much like runners, need a finely-tuned engine. You want a performance vehicle? You bet your ass your Maserati isn't running on unleaded. Bodies work the same way. You wanna ask a lot of it? You gotta put good gas in it. Cue lights: superfood. Superfood is a trendy term that's been popular among foodies and fitness freaks alike for foods that are....well, better than average, at the very least. These are foods that have a big nutritional bang. Part of me wants to know the exact standards or cutoffs a food has to meet before going from a normal healthy choice to a superfood.

Superfood of the week: rainbow swiss chard. Think of this guy as the funfetti icing of the leafy greens section. I'll admit it; until last week, I was a swiss chard virgin. Then I made this soup, and I was sold. It has a sturdy, hearty flavor that I found surprisingly tasty. And forget the gatorade; chard (and veggies in general) are loaded with electrolytes including potassium. A half cup serving of chard has almost as much as a banana. As with other leafy greens, it packs a powerful vitamin C, K, and E punch, and of course that fiber to keep ya regular. I knew you were worried. Runners (especially non-meat eaters) will like it's iron content.

Don't particularly love leafy greens? Don't worry. I'll admit, the leafy ones are my least favorite of the vegetables. We can work our way around that: the green monsta.

I know what you're thinking. It looks like baby puke. Fine, maybe it does, but it tastes like a vanilla blueberry milkshake. Don't be a wuss. Put on your superhero pants and drink it.

Chard Green Monsta


Ingredients


One whole swiss chard leaf, stem included
1/2 cup blueberries
1/4 cup summer squash, chopped
1 scoop vanilla protein powder
1/2 - 1 cup almond milk
ice, as needed
stevia, to taste
1/4 tsp sea salt
1 Tbsp ground flaxseed

Combine all ingredients in a high-speed blender until smooth. (I let mine go for nearly 5 minutes. No way was I chomping on pieces of chard in my vanilla milkshake.)

What's your story?

As I've alluded to, running has been nearly non-existent for me thus far in 2012. I've been incredibly blessed in my 15+ years of running and have managed to evade the common long-term injuries that plague distance runners. Until now. Well, December 1st, 2011, to be precise. It seems I've acquired a persistent case of plantar fasciitis with posterior tibialis tendonitis. And thanks to an orthopedic heavy PT curriculum, I am blessed+cursed to know the soft-tissue healing that must follow. 

After Chicago, I jumped into training for USATF Club XC Nationals relatively quickly. I had a few weeks off, a few weeks of easy mileage, then 4-5 weeks of grass, spiked up workouts twice per week. It was the last XC workout before Club Nats that I first felt that horrible, no good, very bad feeling in my right arch. It felt like it was going to snap. It didn't cause any lingering discomfort, so I blamed it on the cold. Well, after the race at Club Nats, my foot started to hurt. I hobbled around Seattle, blaming poor shoe choice. I hoped that when I returned home, I could ice it down, sleep in my night-splint a few nights and shake it off. After a few days, I did! But, like a well-trained, devious plantar fasciitis, it returned vengefully. I jokingly blamed XC at first. But truly, I think time off (hello hip weakness, nice to see you again) followed by a transition from roads to grass was a huge factor.

I consider my knowledge base to be quite beneficial in times like these. By Christmas, a voice in the back of my head says "shut it down." I rarely listen to my own advice. Luckily, I am fortunate to share my 40 hours/week office space with very adept and caring PT's. They listened compassionately, as I gripe about my inability to run 80 miles per week as though I'd experienced a traumatic loss. And through talking with them, I realized rest was the only option. After a week of rest without any relief, I caved. I did the unthinkable. I found myself unable to treat... myself. I scheduled my PT evaluation. This is when I knew the -itis was for real. The pity party turned into a rave.

Between unprovoked emotional breakdowns, I got my act together, bought a pass to the community center, and agreed (with myself) to start cross-training. This was a big step. I don't like cross training. I don't like showering at the gym. I don't like living out of a gym bag. I don't like wasting 15 minutes commuting to/from the gym. I could have already run almost two miles in that time! Well, I don't like it, but I am doing it. And it has its ups and downs.

I try to stay positive. I have this problem with a short memory. Whenever I am sick or have pain/injury, I can't seem to remember the feeling of being without the pain/illness. I get kind of fixated on the present. It's rather irritating and makes it hard to see the long term goal. I've since kicked up a playlist with some motivating songs. When I'm feeling positive, I remember my college teammates who ran sub-19:00 5k's off of the elliptical. I remind myself of Megs, who ran a 3:35 marathon, off of 3 runs and 4 elliptical sessions per week. I even occasionally think of the year I ran a  sub-41:00 10k after 6 weeks on the elliptical. I get my heart rate up, sweat like mad, and generally, look like a compulsive freak rotating days of bike/elliptical and swim/aqua jog. After two hours in the pool or a few sub-7 minute miles on the elliptical, I almost feel accomplished.

But then there are the days like today. Like the past few days, really. Those days when the pity-party turns into a rave gone bad. Days I want to triple up on Vitamin D. Days I am just not in the mood to be at the gym. Not in the mood to be injured. Not in the mood to keep pushing. These are the days that I just want to give up, buy a yoga membership, change my diet to paleo, and consider a meditative retreat like Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love. So today, after dragging my arse out of bed at 5:15, so I could be first in line when the gym doors opened, just to get in 45 minutes on the bike before work, I am naturally thinking these thoughts, most of which are along the lines of: 

      This is crap. I hate the bike. I hate the gym. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just gonna give 

      running up and take up knitting, or sewing, or baking. Maybe I'll just get fat. Maybe I'll just give     

     up and have babies. Or more cats...

And then a new string of thoughts pop into my head: 

     I don't want my story to end like this. I'm not content with a 2:53 marathon. I don't want 

     people to ask, "wow,did you ever think of trying to qualify for the Olympic Trials?" and my answer 

     to be "yeah, I started to try, but then I kinda hurt my foot, so I just gave up." 

I don't want that to be my story. So, my new mantra: I don't want my story to end like this. All along, I've been thinking, "if I can just make it back for Kent... Shamrock... Boston... Hillsdale... the 10k... something!"  Well, the only thing staying on my calendar is another OTQ attempt in 2013. While outlook for this spring is spotty, at best, it doesn't end here.

Polenta Bolognese

I just finished up a three week cleanse and I have been feeling great. Don't get me wrong, days 3-5 in week 1 were rough. It was a LOT of vegetables which was great, but the fiber led to bloating and what a termed "squash belly" from an excess of butternut squash soup. I intended the cleanse to be a precursor to testing a few potentially problematic foods (dairy, gluten, peanuts, eggs, bananas, and possibly others) and truth be told, I'm just not ready to start testing them yet. So I'm still cleansing. But I added in meat.

This dinner was cleanse-worthy but also made me feel cleanse-free, while still being gluten and dairy free.

Polenta Bolognese

1 cup polenta (I used Bob's red mill)
3 cups non-dairy milk
2 cloves garlic, chopped
1 tsp each of basil, rosemary, oregano. Fresh if you have it.
1-2 TBSP olive oil

3/4 to 1 lbs ground beef
1/2 onion, diced
2 cloves garlic, chopped
6 ounces mushrooms
1/2 of a 32 oz jar of tomato sauce
2 TBSP olive oil
1 basil leaf

Saute garlic in oil in medium saucepan over medium heat for 2-3 minutes. Add milk. Bring milk to a boil. Add polenta and stir continuously. Keep it on the heat and stir until it thickens. The polenta should thicken to the consistency that it can be spread into a pan. Add in herbs. Then, pour and spread into a 9x13 in, oiled pan. Allow to cool and set for 1 hour. At this point, you can bake the polenta in the oven at 425 degrees Farenheit for 30 minutes, OR you can put it in the fridge for another day. The choice, dear reader, is yours.

While the polenta is baking away, saute the ground beef in olive oil over medium heat. Don't move it around too much. Or do. I just prefer not to. After 5-7 minutes, Add in onion, garlic, and mushrooms and saute until the beef's pink is gone. Then add in the tomato sauce. Simmer on low-medium until the polenta is done.

Cut the polenta into squares. Like giant brownies. Top with sauce. And basil. Or cheese, if you prefer.

We have leftovers for lunch tomorrow and I even managed to save some polenta to make polenta fries later this week. Now, if I could just run more than 5 minutes without residual pain, it'd be the start of something...

Monday Pick-Me-Up

Oh Mondays... I, unlike Tayler, loathe Mondays. It is an aversion that dates back to middle school. I guess I just like my weekends.

Well, I decided that this Monday, I really needed a pick-me-up. I was cleared to run 15 minutes this weekend (more on that whole scenario later). It was great. I've never been so happy to run 1.55 miles in my life. Well, maybe, but I have been known to exaggerate the truth for dramatic effect. Not so happy when my foot started hurting that night, which continued into today. Boo and hiss.

Things started to look up when I got to leave work 40 minutes early, beat the Tuna home, and decided, on a whim, that I deserved a treat. I'm keeping the cleanse going, with the addition of meat. But honestly, a sweet treat didn't even cross my mind. I opened the crisper, green beans staring me in the face, and thought, "green bean fries." How have I not done this before?

Recipe:
1/2 bag of trimmed green beans
1/2 cup gluten free AP flour
1 tsp garlic salt
1/4 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp green seasoning
1/2 cup almond milk
1/4 cup oil of choice. I used canola.

Heat oil in a skillet on medium-high. Mix flour and spices in a bowl. Pour almond milk in another bowl. Blanch green beans 4 minutes in boiling water. Drain and immediately dunk in an ice water bath and swirl. Dunk the green beans in the almond milk. You can probably even skip the milk since the green beans are already wet, but this is how I did it. Dunk into flour mixture to coat. Place into hot oil for about 2 minutes per side. Remove with a slotted spoon. Place on plate covered in paper towel. Try not to eat them all before your dinner companion notices.

These fried delights plus my co-worker bringing me 6 DVD's of p90x to try, may have just saved the day. And best of all tomorrow will be Tuesday! It's not a particularly special Tuesday. But, it's not Monday.

Giggle Pills and Pizza

Usually I don't find myself the type to be susceptible to a nasty case of the "Mondays," as they call them. I'll admit, though, that sometimes I can wind up in one of those moods where you feel like it's possible you could breathe fire and hate puppies. It's one of those days, which is odd because generally after a morning run full of sunshine and eerily higher-than-normal temperatures, my serotonin levels are through the roof, and ain't nobody gonna rain on my parade. Generally these fire-breathing moods come when I'm either a) tired, b) hungry, c) cold, or d) any combination of the above. I'm draggin' ass a little today, so my neurotransmitters aren't doing their best work.

I have a Pinterest board just for moments like these, you know, the ones where you just need to laugh and break that happy seal and then you're good to go. Upon realization that I was being a grade A pisspants, I went and got myself a hot mug of green tea and reluctantly opened my Giggle Pill board, sure that nothing was going to remedy my less-than-stellar disposition. I should also tell you that I have a picky, particular sense of humor, so many things that a lot of people find hysterical hardly prompt me to crack a smile. Earlier, I actually debated this with a coworker of mine, and I still stand by my statement that Superbad is just NOT that funny. We can agree to disagree. Anyway, first pin I get a glance of leaves me in stitches:

Ponies are for pussies.

Everyone good to go? Yesterday I promised I'd tell you about pizza, so let's talk pizza. Yesterday I made a pumpkin apple flatbread with ribboned carrots and asparagus on a flaxseed cornmeal crust.

Someone will have to call reinforcements when winter vegetables are no longer in season and I have no excuse to use pumpkin (or squash or any other hearty winter vegetable) in everything. I know what the general response is when people see a pizza without cheese. I used to be the same way. How on earth could it possibly be good? Trust me. This thing is bangin' with flavor so much that you won't miss the cheese, or the accompanying indigestion. I topped it with vegan sour creme and about died.

Pumpkin Apple Flatbread with Ribboned Carrots and Asparagus

Ingredients

Crust

1/3 cup GF cornbread mix (I used Bob's Red Mill)

1/3 cup flaxseed (brown or golden) 

1/3 cup gluten free oat flour

1 tsp dried basil

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp sea salt

1 flax egg (1 Tbsp ground flaxseed mixed with 3 Tbsp hot water)

1/4 tsp honey

1/3 cup + 1 Tbsp warm water

Pumpkin Sauce

1/2 cup pumpkin puree 

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/2 Tbsp tamari

1/4 tsp maple extract

1/2 Tbsp nutritional yeast flakes

sea salt, to taste

water, as needed

Vegan Sour Creme
1 package silken tofu
2 Tbsp lemon juice
1 probiotic capsule

1 small granny smith apple, chopped
1/4 cup onion, chopped
2 Tbsp coconut oil, separated
4-5 asparagus stalks
4-5 carrots
nutritional yeast



Directions
Preheat oven to 425 and line baking sheet with parchment paper. In a blender, combine the contents of the probiotic capsule with the package of silken tofu and lemon juice. Blend until thoroughly combined, and set aside in a warm place. To prepare dough, combine all ingredients in a food processor and blend until the mixture has reached the consistency of a thick batter. If necessary, thin with water to reach desired consistency. Spread onto parchment and bake 13-15 minutes, or until browned on the bottom and slightly crisp.

While crust is baking, combine all ingredients for the sauce and set aside. On medium heat, add 1 Tbsp of the coconut oil to a saute pan; add the onions and saute until tender and translucent, 3-5 minutes. Ribbon the asparagus and carrot with a grater. Toss in 1 Tbsp of coconut oil.

When the crust is finished cooking, remove (carefully!) the pan from the oven and assemble pizza. Top with nutritional yeast, as desired. Place pizza back in the oven and bake for an additional 5-6 minutes. Top with sour creme to serve.

Sunday Supper and a Weekend Recap

I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how this is gonna go: Sundays are the day that I write down twice as many things on my to-do list that I will actually get done, and after all this time, I am still semi-surprised when I've crossed off 30% of the items on the list only to look at the clock and think Holy hell, how is it already XX:XX o'clock?! Among these items is a binge-cooking session, intended to yield mass amounts of food that theoretically should last me through Friday, but are always magically gone by Wednesday. Today's yield was decent: a soup, multiple smoothies, and this heavenly creation, the recipe for which I will share tomorrow:

Sundays are naturally a day for reflecting on the past weekend. In college, this was done generally after rolling out of bed hungover, dragging ourselves to the cafeteria, and piecing together the night before as a team while devouring anything to soak up the Saturday night residue in our guts. Now, I have either Sunday mornings with the group at Highbanks or easy mileage gossip sessions with Girl-Tights Nick, who will henceforth be referred to as Girl Tights.

After a horrendous, snowy mess of a long run yesterday morning which was capped off with a car driving by and soaking me in grungy, snow-slush muck from the thighs down, I went and watched teammates run at a relatively low-key indoor meet at Otterbein College. I know, it's dorky-watching people running in circles all afternoon. But I love it, and when you have company as good as I did, it's hard to beat an afternoon like that. After the meet, we migrated to Thai Grille and had some bangin' Thai food. I would drink my way through a swimming pool of peanut sauce if the opportunity presented itself.

I'm telling you, if you ever end up in Westerville, Ohio, you need to eat here. It's the kind of small, cozy space that might be easily overlooked if you weren't paying attention, but the owners-who also serve, cook, and do everything else were stand-up. I felt taken care of, and I would go back just to see that little happy Thai lady. You'll know who I'm talking about if you stop in. These pics sum up the day and evening pretty well:

Night, y'all!

Fess-up Friday: Guilty Pleasures

Guilty pleasures. We all have them. What lengths do you go to cover them up? Apparently I go zero lengths now that on Fess-up Fridays I'll be sharing with you the latest and greatest guilty pleasure of the week. I must confess. As a child of Rock and Roll herself, I like to think I have good taste in music. However, this does not stop me from listening to sh*# music. Lately, I've been particularly fond of any electronica or dubstep capable of inducing a seizure in normal adults. This week, no electronica. Instead: Kelly Clarkson's latest album 'What Doesn't Kill You.' I know. But apparently Rolling Stone agrees with me in the fact that it is indeed a guilty pleasure. See #16 here.

This song makes me feel like this:

It also makes me feel like singing shamelessly like a pissed off white girl in front of my bathroom mirror. We will not post photos of that.

Grain-free coconut oatmeal

Coconut oatmeal. My first encounter with this concept was in Chicago, IL during the Chicago Marathon Weekend. The Tuna (my husband, henceforth referred to as Tuna or the Tuna) and I were on the quest for breakfast on Saturday, the day before the race. We wondered into e. leaven. The first thing I saw on the menu board was coconut oatmeal. I wanted, with every fiber of my being, to try it! But, rule #1 of pre-race meals. Nothing new. So, on the day before what felt like the biggest race of my life, OTQ attempt #1, I stuck with french toast. The last thing I needed was GI distress in addition to leaden legs.

It's more than three months later, and I cannot get the coconut oatmeal concept out of my head! Week 1 of my cleanse in the dead of winter left me wanting something warm for a weekend breakfast. I had the house to myself since the gym doesn't open until 10 on Sundays and the Tuna was out enjoying his run. Coconut oatmeal. Two methods, one result. Crave this.

Method 1- Risotto Style Weekender, Stove Top Version

Ingredients:
3/4 c. coconut- shredded or use the flaked stuff and grind it up in the food processors, almonds, flax seeds, chia seeds. Make it add up to 3/4 of a cup, but coconut should be the star.
2 TBSP pumpkin- because it doesn't get much better than vegetables in your breakfast
1 1/2 cups almond milk (or other non-dairy milk)
2-3 tsp date sugar or other sweetener as needed.
1/2 chopped apple
Cinnamon to taste. I recommend 1 tsp, but I love cinnamon.

In a saucepan over medium heat, combine ground/shredded nuts and seeds, pumpkin, and 3/4 cup milk. Stir often until liquid is absorbed. Add another 2 TBSP of milk, stir until absorbed. Add another 2 TBSP, stir until absorbed. I know you're thinking, "yaaaaaaawn." But truly, I watched the "oatmeal" thicken, soften and multiply before my eyes. You should continue to add milk until you are 1) satisfied with the texture (hard vs. soft) or 2) out of milk. Add in the sweetener, apple and cinnamon and stir until combined.

This makes 2 servings for a cleansing, cross training gal. Or probably 1 serving with other snacks after a Sunday long run.

My first attempt at coconut oatmeal was so insanely addicting, I had to come up with a quicker method for the weekday morning.

Method 2- Break the Fast FAST, Microwave Version

Ingredients:

3/4 c. coconut- shredded or use the flaked stuff and grind it up in the food processors, almonds, flax seeds, chia seeds. Make it add up to 3/4 of a cup, but coconut should be the star.
2 TBSP pumpkin- because it doesn't get much better than vegetables in your breakfast
1 cups almond milk (or other non-dairy milk)
2-3 tsp date sugar or other sweetener as needed.
1/2 chopped apple
Cinnamon to taste. I recommend 1 tsp, but I love cinnamon.


The night before:
Combine all ingredients in a small microwaveable bowl with lid.

In the foggy eyed AM:
Place bowl in microwave for 2 minutes. Stir. Microwave one more minute.

The results are the same. Happy, delicious, filling, healthy meal.

AND the bowl cleans up so much easier than oatmeal made of pssssh, oats.

Red Velvet for Iceman, Chococado for me.

First post. I must say, I was a little overwhelmed. First impressions are very important, and I've thought extensively about how to make this post just perfect. It has to pull the readers in and give a sense of who you really are, what you stand for and why. You need to be funny. But not lame funny. Or too funny! But don't be too methodical and logical. Don't be dull. Don't curse too much! Make sure you appear informed and knowledgable...dear lord.

I just finished up a cleanse. I will do these periodically (I will shoot for 4 times annually) just for digestive "maintenance" if you will. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Aside from a small handful of people, I'm sure you're thinking something along the lines of hippie or weirdo or...well, probably a whole slew of  things far worse than that. I'll go ahead and be up front: I have the mouth of a sailor, and I don't really give a sh!* what you think. I know that I've spent an extensive amount of time thinking about my body, why it behaves in ways that I don't like, and what I can do to fix it.

I don't know anyone else that's spent as much time pondering the subject, and I know that I've figured a lot of things out and am doing a lot of things that works for me. I'm not a medical doctor; I'm a statistician. I have done a ridiculous amount of reading from various sources, and I know how to problem solve, but I've never taken a single nutrition class. A bit about me: I'm horribly curious. I ask tons of questions. I get almost as many answers. Repeated empirical evidence, though not proof, is pretty much enough to convince me that these "cleanses" (which might be mistaken for torture by some) work. In fact, this week is the most normal my digestive system has felt in a long long time. To top it off, I had settled on a full 72-hour cleanse, and since I have been feeling so good, I have just finished day 5 following the rules save the two half cups of cold-brewed coffee split between yesterday and today, a handful of strawberries, and a cashew cookie Larabar.

And truthfully, I don't feel too deprived. I do miss texture; all my meals have either been juiced or pureed. And everything has been raw, and while I'm down with raw food, sometimes I just wanna roast those veggies. I thought I'd share a "recipe" with you that makes me believe that I could keep up this cleanse (almost) indefinitely. I had dessert tonight. Yeah. For real. Skinny vegan girl eats dessert. Believe it. Every night. Tonight: behold the chococado frosty with sea salt.

Like a Wendy's frosty in a bowl. And the sea salt. I know, you're doubting me. But stop it. I know what I'm doing. Just try it. You'll never eat chocolate without it again. It makes sense. Salty sweet. People dip their fries into their frosties. This is why.

Rich, creamy, almost zero sugar, full of healthy omega-3's, protein, and fiber. And tastes GOOD. Listen, I don't eat s*@! that tastes bad. This is good. My buddy Iceman is cleasing right now and tryin' to quit the horrible white beast we all know as sugar. Don't get me started on sugar. It'll kill you. I'm meeting him in the morning at Highbanks for some easy miles, and I'm bringing him a red velvet cake smoothie. Yeah, liquid cake that adheres to a very restrictive cleanse. Magic. Vegan magic.

Both were good enough to have me tilting the blender pitcher high above my head to suck down the last drop.

Chococado Frosty with sea salt


1 avocado
1/6 package silken tofu (I used organic)
1 - 1 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk
juice of 1/2 lemon
1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder
tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp cocoa powder
Stevia to taste
sea salt

Blend all ingredients until smooth and pour into a shallow container; freeze overnight. After frozen, thaw container so that you're able to break up the mixture and add to food processor or blender. Add almond milk as needed to thin to desired consistency. Top with course sea salt. Eat, lick bowl, be happy.

Red Velvet Smoothie

1/2 avocado

1/4 package silken tofu (I used organic)

1 - 1 1/4 cup unsweetened almond milk

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

tsp butter extract (don't worry, it's vegan!)

2 heaping tbsp cocoa powder

2-3 tbsp beet juice

Stevia to taste

pinch of sea salt

Blend all ingredients until smooth. Inhale.